If She Only Knew
by mulaNa
Summary: Belinda knows she lost Landon for good and gave him her blessing before his wedding. BTW, Belinda is the girl that likes Landon in the movie


Summary: Belinda knows she lost Landon for good and gave him her blessing before his wedding. *BTW, Belinda is the girl that likes Landon in the movie*  
  
Author's Note: I realized that in the movie, they never called her by the name (or maybe I just didn't notice?) and in the book none of the girls existed. It was Margaret, Eric's cheerleader girlfriend remember? Anyways, I'm taking cue from Jamie Sommer's stories and naming her Belinda if that wasn't her name in the movie already. Tracy is Dean's girlfriend. I've never read a story about this issue before so I thought it would be cool to write it.  
  
Disclaimer: Mandy Moore and Shane West don't belong to me for obvious reason. Jamie Sullivan, Landon Carter and co belongs to Nicholas Sparks. And like I said, I'm not sure if Belinda was her name in the movie so if she is, then Belinda belongs to the movie company but if it isn't Belinda and Tracy belongs to Jamie Sommers. The song "If She Only Knew" belongs to Michelle Branch.  
  
Please read and review and constructive criticism means a lot to me. Also, I'm seeking a beta reader. I changed bits of the song to fit the story.  
  
If She Only Knew  
  
"I don't know whose side I'm takin'  
  
But I'm not takin' things too well  
  
I can see inside you're achin'  
  
But is it still too early for me to tell?"  
  
Belinda Wilson felt numb. She, her best friend Tracy, Tracy's boyfriend Dean and Eric Clayton were sitting in a booth at their regular diner.  
  
Two days ago, Eric Clayton broke the news that Jamie Sullivan had cancer and wasn't going to live long. That was when she revalued her life and her priorities.  
  
Belinda still remembered, two days ago, she was sitting at this exact same booth with Tracy and Dean sipping malt and gossiping.  
  
"No, but seriously. Do you think he really loves her?" Belinda asked them quietly. Dean immediately fidgeted uncomfortably. Even though he and Landon are friends again, Dean still got edgy when people talked about Jamie as she was the cause that made the friends go their separate ways.  
  
"I don't know." Dean mumbled.  
  
Jamie Sullivan has always been the target of the group's cruelty when they needed someone to pick on or to laugh about. Whenever things got quiet among the friends, the topic of Jamie's sweater would always make them roll about in laughter. But not in this circumstances. Ever since the Spring Play, talking about Jamie Sullivan was a strict No-No. They knew how much Landon cared for her and though Landon ditched them to be with Jamie, they felt bad talking about her as though they will be betraying Landon. Belinda had done a lot of cruel pranks in the past and the flyer she made about Jamie was mild compared to the rest she had done but Landon's reaction to the flyer made Belinda flinch every time she thought about it. "Why?" She asked herself everyday. "Did she do things that she knew Landon would not approve of?"  
  
Deep down she knew the answer. Everyone knew her feelings for Landon but Landon always tried to play it down, treating her like a kid sister instead. So she tried to get Landon's attention by being a bitch, a flirt, a rebel and did outrageous things to catch his attention. Belinda stared carefully at her friends' faces. She could tell they knew what she knew also. Landon was so completely in love with Jamie and she did not stand a chance. The bell that hung above the diner door jingled indicating someone just entered and Belinda looked up to see Eric rushing in looking grief stricken.  
  
"I try to help you out through the hardest of times  
  
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind  
  
Though it looks as if it's over  
  
I'm still not over you"  
  
Belinda watched warily as Eric sat next to her. There was a moment of intense silence until Tracy spoke up.  
  
"What is it Eric?"  
  
Eric sighed deeply and lifted his head from his arms. He looked like a man who carried a great burden.and he did.  
  
"I just came back from Landon's." He paused, trying to control his emotions.  
  
"Is Landon okay?" Belinda asked worriedly. Her heart started thumping wildly.  
  
"Yes he is." Eric sighed again. "No. Actually he's not."  
  
"Eric, what is it?" Tracy snapped, impatient.  
  
"Jamie Sullivan has cancer." He whispered.  
  
Belinda felt a sickening thud in her stomach. She closed her eyes trying to conceal her tears.  
  
She wasn't close to Jamie. Jamie wouldn't even consider her a friend but she knew Jamie for 17 years. She had 17 years to make friends with her but she didn't. Instead, she spent the last 5 years making Jamie's life a living hell. Teasing her about her sweater, making fun of her bible and lastly, when she won Landon's heart pulled a cruel prank on her.  
  
A tear fell down on her face. Her mind went out to Jamie. But her heart, her heart went out to Landon.  
  
"How was he holding up?"  
  
"'Cause I still love you like I did before  
  
I know for sure what you feel about me didn't change  
  
But that won't stop me from loving you If only she knew  
  
Whoa, if only she knew, oh"  
  
Belinda excused herself from the diner and nobody protested. They all had to fight their inner demons themselves. Belinda rushed home, for once glad that her parents never took notice of her and ran to her room. She sat in front of her vanity table, willing the tears to come. But it didn't. She felt so empty.  
  
"Cry!" Belinda silently ordered herself as she stared at her reflection, blank and empty.  
  
"Cry for what? For Jamie? A girl you don't even know?" A sinister inner voice of her rang in her head.  
  
Belinda shook her head violently.  
  
"Cry." She whispered.  
  
"Will crying ease your guilt Belinda? Will crying for Jamie erase the sins you've done to her all these years?"  
  
"No!" Belinda screamed standing up. But her scream was no louder than a hoarse whisper. "Cry." She whispered silently begging and hoping the tears would come. It didn't.  
  
She wished she could cry. Crying would ease her guilt. She was a sensitive person, little things like sappy movies she watched a million of times could still make her cry but knowing that someone she knew was going to die at age 17 wasn't enough to make her cry.  
  
"What kind of person are you?" Belinda whispered murderously at her reflection. A deep hatred swelled inside of her. Hatred towards herself and the kind of person she turned out to be made her push her things off her vanity table before sinking down to the floor and wrapping herself with her arms. But she still couldn't cry.  
  
She saw a broken photo frame and picked it up. It was a picture of her and Landon at their junior prom. She had blackmailed Landon into going with her.  
  
Belinda stared at her photo. She was wearing a long strapless pink gown with a lavender butterfly on her side. Her hair was pulled up into an elegant French twist, her face perfectly made and she had a tiara perched on top of her head. She looked dazzling and happy. She looked at Landon. Landon looked smart in a rented tux and with his hair all gelled up but he had a distant look.  
  
Even then, even before Jamie, she couldn't force Landon to like her. For the love of God, she loved Landon more than life itself.  
  
Tears started falling down her face.  
  
"I try to let it go but I don't know if I can take it  
  
'Cause the way you looked at me  
  
Made me see that I can't really fake it"  
  
After gaining composure of herself, Belinda washed her face from all make up. She stared at herself. When was the last time she didn't wear make-up? She looked so young.so timid.and so scared. Taking a deep shaky breath, Belinda pulled out a drawer and took out the photos from the Spring Play. She didn't bother to put on her jacket as she walked to Landon's house. She knocked on the door. A minute later, Landon's mom opened the door.  
  
"Hello Belinda. I haven't seen you here in a long time." She was greeted with a smile.  
  
"Hey Mrs. Carter. I've been kind of busy. Is Landon here?" She asked nervously.  
  
Landon's mom looked grim.  
  
"Oh dear. He's at the hospital with Jamie. Have you heard the news?" Asked Landon's mom.  
  
"Uh, yeah. Do you know when he will be back?"  
  
"Oh honey. He won't be back for a long time. If I know him, he probably will try to stay in after visiting hours."  
  
"Oh, all right then. Can you tell him I dropped by?" Belinda asked.  
  
"Of course." The door was closed.  
  
Belinda was about to walk away when she decided to stay and sit on the Carter's porch.  
  
True to her word, Landon did not come home two hours later, an hour after visiting hours was over. For the past two hours, Belinda had stayed quietly on the porch, going through what she was going to tell him. But nothing prepared her for what she saw of him. Landon looked like a little boy, lost and scared of the world. And at that moment, Belinda couldn't think of anything to say.  
  
"I try to help you out through the hardest of times  
  
Your heart is in your throat and I'm speaking my mind  
  
Though it looks as if it's over  
  
I'm still not over you"  
  
"Belinda?" He said, clearly surprised.  
  
Belinda stared at him for a long time. "Tell him!" A voice in her head urged. Tell him how you feel. But even Belinda knew it was pointless.  
  
She walked up to Landon, a tear falling freely down her face. She pressed the photos from the Spring Play on Landon's palm and kissed him quickly on the cheek.  
  
Another tear fell.  
  
"I'm so sorry." She whispered.  
  
And with that, she left.  
  
"'Cause I still love you like I did before  
  
I know for sure that you still feel the same way I do  
  
If only she knew  
  
Whoa"  
  
Today was the day of Jamie and Landon's wedding. Belinda's heart shattered into a thousand of pieces.  
  
"Don't be so selfish." She reminded herself. Jamie has cancer.  
  
"Aren't you going, Belinda?" Her mother asked her during breakfast. "To Landon's wedding?"  
  
Belinda felt as though she just swallowed a bile.  
  
"Yeah. I'm going up to get ready."  
  
Without finishing her breakfast, she went to her room. She looked at the new peach dress she bought that lay on her bed.  
  
Belinda started to brush her hair as she tried to think of what to do with it.  
  
Suddenly, making up her mind, Belinda grabbed the wedding gift she had bought and wrapped for them, Belinda left her house. She went to the church that was beautifully decorated with blooming flowers all around. A lot of cars were starting to crowd in and Belinda went straight to the little shack behind the church where she knew Landon and his best man would be.  
  
She entered without knocking. Landon looked up when she entered, surprised. He was sitting alone, already dressed.  
  
"Belinda?" he asked. He saw her dressing. "Your not coming to the wedding?"  
  
Belinda took a deep breath before losing her courage.  
  
"Your amazing Landon. You deserve to be happy. You and Jamie." She set the present on the table and walked to him. She kissed him on the cheek one last time.  
  
"Be happy." She walked out before he had the chance to say anything and finally the tears came pouring down her face.  
  
"I know she loves you and I can't interfere  
  
So I'll just have to sit back and watch my world disappear  
  
Whoa"  
  
A/N: REVIEW!! It's 1.43 am and I'm sick so I'm not bothering to read this through right now. Mistakes can be pointed out at the review button. 


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